MUSINGS ON HOME IMPROVEMENT

I don’t think there is any aspect of modern life which provides more opportunity for those of us who crave, even if covertly, masochism, self-mutilation, procrastination, and who delight in the deep exploration of raging mental disorders, than what is called home-improvement.

For example, we have a clothes dryer. As with all clothes dryers, we have a dryer duct. It vents to the outside as all good dryer ducts should. It is a standard 4″ duct. But, as fortune would have it, the outlet hole through the garage wall is a 2″ hole. This causes the exhaust from the dryer to back up. The dryer is less efficient. My wife complains. It takes too long to dry the clothes. She wants a new dryer.

Now, I’m not philosophically opposed to new dryers. I do, however, prefer new sledge hammers (see Ch 5., “The Joys of Destruction”) or new saws (see Ch 9, “Advanced Self-Mutilation Techniques.”)

I decided that the logical thing to do was to expand the 2″ hole to a 4″ hole (How difficult could that be?) and see if that adequately improves dryer performance. The first thing to do of course is to go to Lowe’s or Home Depot and get the supplies and tools needed. And here we have a vital point for the masochist: Never, ever, really inspect the job you plan to do before you go to the store to buy the supplies to do the job. That simple omission opens up a world of possibilities. You can stand at the dryer duct supplies area and think about what you might need. There are kits-but are they complete kits? Have they been opened–and possibly scavenged–by others? Are the scavenger possibilities available? You can wonder over to the next isle and toy with the gas water heater ductwork. It is much better quality but much more expensive. Maybe then you recall that you wanted to look at tile, as you may want, at some time, to re-tile the guest bathroom. So you go look at tile. Then, if you’re really good at this process, You wonder out of the store, go home and ask your wife what color tile she might like in the guest bathroom. As a side note here, for those of you who dabble in the wonderful world of procrastination, asking a woman what color of paint, tile, floor covering, etc., she would like is an excellent way to get out of work for at least a day. If you need a week or more off, simply tell her you will repaint the whole house if she will just decide what colors she wants to use.

\Now back to the dryer duct. I did finally purchase a kit which I thought might have most of the parts I needed and possibility some I didn’t. Back home, I sat down on my little stool in front of the dryer vent hole and rather easily beat the 2″ metal liner out of the hole in the wall.

I then took my keyhole saw and began to enlarge the 2″ hole in the sheetrock. Again, it was easy, but I did notice one thing, and that one thing brought about a realization concerning the 2″ hole in the wall. Our house was built in 1954. It is a stucco house. That means there are studs, just normal, routine studs. But on top of them, there is tarpaper, chicken wire and about an inch of cement!

I can hear it now. The original owner of the house purchased a gas dryer and calls the local handy man to come put in the exhaust duct. The handy man is happy to come. I mean, it’s a dryer duct, how hard could that be? And then, like me, is sees the inch of cement and goes-like me-”Holly sh..t!!! I ain’t cutting no 4″ whole in that!” So he cuts the 2″ hole (how, I do not know) and the owner comes out. He says, “That…that looks like a small hole you got there.” and the handy man says, “Well…no!…no… no…a…no…actually, you see…that there is a standard dryer duct hole according to the Lancaster building authority, dryer duct code enforce section…you see…they was concerned on account of dryers and dryer ducts sucking too much oxygen and stuff out of garages and depriving any remaining dirty laundry of needful…a …it’ll be fine.”

So here I am, maybe 30 later, wondering how I’m going to enlarge this hole. I can is this without any doubt: if you want a thin, smooth, shiny piece of worthless metal, just take your reciprocating saw with it’s new metal-cutting blade, and try to cut stucco. It’s just not happening.

My oldest son gave me a hand-held grinder from Sears for Christmas last year. I remember sitting there on their couch looking at this grinder, trying to be appreciative, and wondering what in the world I was ever going to do with a grinder. I like tools. I really do. But a hand-held grinder was just not on my list-until the dryer duct hole.

A tip for those of you who enjoy self-mutilation: when I do any kind of construction work around the house, a wear shorts, sandals and maybe a baseball cap to protect me from the sun. I wear glasses because I am near-sighted (and possibly near-thoughted too) but not safety glasses. I mean, after all, if things go “wrong” you could end up wearing cool sun glasses like Ray Charles used to wear.

Usually it’s really hot when I get started on a job and, in this case it was a long way from the inside of the garage to the outside of the garage (uphill both ways), especially dragging the extension cord and carrying all the tools and drinks needed to really do the job. (Alcoholic beverages are not recommended in these situations. The ice melts too quickly in the case of mixed drinks and beers just gets too warm too fast. I find it better to keep a complete, well-stocked cooler close by.)

The exit point for the dryer duct was at the back of a flower bed near the front door of our house. (I think it is a universal Law that job which really needs to be done can never be easily accessed,) So I parked my butt on the planter, smashing a few flowers in the process, put one foot on either side of the exit hole and began grinding it out. Oh! the joy! The wonder!! The power! The plumes of cement dust billowing around! The spark of grinder against rock! The spark of grinder against chicken wire! Note: there is no spark when the grinder hits a toe-possibly a smell, but no spark.

And finally, I got the job done–not completely done, but workably done. You always leave some aspect of a job to revisit later. That way you can worry abut it and think about how you really ought to finish it. It took God knows how long! I’m sure I could have torn down the entire garage (see Ch. 5, “the Joys of Destruction,”) in less time and had a lot more fun. I mean! Give me a sledge hammer, a circular saw and a six pack and I can make the whole place go bye-bye. Random thoughts: in using a circular saw to take out a wall, whenever possible, move the saw along at a good clip. That way if you hit electrical wiring you will likely sever it quickly giving your body only a sharp jolt. Otherwise you might cut into, but not sever the wire, and thus give your neighbors a good look at your unique skeletal structure. (See Ch. 11, “Backyard Barbeque for the Masochist.”)